Verklempt
Think of the coolest married couple you know.
Now make one of them your best friend of a quarter century.
Now have your best friend come tell you that he doesn't know why his marriage is suddenly at the brink of divorce.
There is no answer. There's no "reason," in the traditional sense.
There's no advice to give.
These two wonderful people are together so much greater than the sum of their wholes. Yet here they are, and they don't know why. I sure as hell don't.
Damn it.
Labels: family, friends, grief, marriage, Outrage, that's gotta suck
posted by Matt G @ 2:57 AM
13 Comments:
Having asked Why to that same question for possibly longer than you've been alive, the short answer is, Beacuse they can. There's no longer the religious, social, or the stigma of personal failure attached to a divorce anymore. I'm 46, I can't be too choosy.
I agree with John B. -- the social impetus to work things out has been erased. In many cases, it's easier to get divorced (less money; less hassle) than married.
People get comfortable and stop communicating, and suddenly are different people. Rather than reacquaint, they split.
In a lot of cases (abuse and criminal acts notwithstanding), I think divorce is a selfish act.
I asked myself the same question when my marriage of 24 years went South. The answer is because it can. Nothing I could do would stop it, it was like watching a slow-motion train wreck.
Now, ten years later, I'm happily married to the most wonderful woman in the world. Life is good!
People change
There is no answer. There's no "reason," in the traditional sense.
Love and Respect
The concept is exceedingly simple and can make a profound difference in a relationship if the principles are understood and fully embraced.
Our society has eliminated the age-old formula for relationship success by cracking one of the major pillars required for it.
Women NEED love. Men NEED respect. If either is missing, the other will fail as well and the "crazy cycle" is inevitable.
Every relationship I've ever personally seen break down (including my first marriage of 20 years) has come down to these principles.
It's based on the Bible and Christianity, but the principles are just as valid for atheists or Jews or any other human being.
Even people with strong relationships can get something out of this simple concept. I can't recommend it enough.
It ain't no kinda good to watch something like that unfold. I've seen it a couple times myself (which is sad at my age), and it sucks. You wanna help, and you can't.
I wish I had something more poignant to add here, but now I'm thinking about a pretty imminent split between a couple whose wedding I attended just a few short years ago.
Bummer.
tweaker
Who knows... Maybe even they don't, but it comes down to change and communication (or lack of).
I think most of the "we grew apart" divorces could be prevented, if the people want to.
I agree with love and respect, but I have to point out that both genders want both things.
In hindsight, a LOT of what went wrong in my marriage boiled down to: I was so hurt and so lonely that I ignored my husband's pain and loneliness in favor of my own, as he ignored mine in favor of his. Which came first? Doesn't really matter in the long run. But if we'd been as nice to each other during our marriage as we learned to be during our separation, things probably would've been different.
There are myriad ways a member of a married couple can break that covenant. I wish I didn't know from experience, but I also know from experience that not every marriage is worth saving. I thank God I wasn't trapped and forced to endure the rest of my life with what I had. I'd rather live in a mud hut, frankly.
I think a lot of people romanticize "the good old days". Marriages stayed together, yes, but one or both partners were frequently miserable, especially the women. They stayed with their husbands because of stigma of divorce, because they would be helpless without them and because chances of someone marrying a divorcee was very slim.
NOT because those marriages were somehow great. Many men had, and some still do, an attitute of "my way or the highway, but you can't make it without me, bitch!"
Before everyone jumps on me, I know there were exceptions, but much like a lot of things in the past, marriages were not as good as people think.
Hell, you want to look at some places today were marriages don't end up in divorce? Look at middle east.... Oh, that's right. Women just don't have many rights and have to put up and shut up... Funny how that results "strong" marriages and good "family values"....
There was a disturbing article (to me, anyhow) on CNN.com titled, "She's happily married, dreaming of divorce." The author writes for Oprah's magazine.
The gist of the article is that women today like the feeling of security that easy, no-fault divorce gives them. They like knowing that they can walk away at any time, even if they don't plan to or even want to.
I have no idea how prevalent this thought process is. I'd like to believe that Oprah (and her staff writers) do NOT speak for the majority of American women, especially after she had the bad grace to endorse St. Barry.
But I can believe that some women would think that way. There are probably and even larger number of men who think that way.
I'm reminded of Jeff Goldblum's line in Jurassic Park where he says he is always looking for the next Mrs. Malcolm.
I've been on the precipice of a failed marriage myself. The fault was predominantly mine, and I was given the chance to correct it. That was about five years ago and I think my amrriage is more solid now than it has ever been. But my wife would have been within her rights to ask me to leave.
Every marriage is a thing of its own. The only advice I can give someone is to talk honestly with their spouse and truly listen to what the other is saying.
UPDATE: They're still married.
It's been hard. I'm shocked had how hard it's been on me. I stood at that wedding. I am their children's godfather. I want this relationship to last and flourish, not just survive.
UPDATE: They're together still.
I don't know what the nature of their relationship is, now, beyond the fact that they're married.
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