Better And Better

If you don't draw yours, I won't draw mine.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

From last night's shift...

Traffic stop:
Thought, but not actually said out loud:
Ma'am, flirting with me isn't actually effective at getting out of a citation.
The only reason I was glancing down your camisole was, uh, to check for, uh, weapons. And I'm not generally one to write for a headlight out, anyhow. And when I ask if I've pulled you over before, it's because I really don't remember, and you do actually look faintly familiar-- not as a "Hey baby, you violate here often?" Come-on line. So get over yourself. And put a jacket on, for criminey's sake. It's chilly out.

- - -
Radio traffic jaw dropper:
Another agency is dispatched to a call in which the caller reports that someone has tampered with his alarm system, and now hears someone walking around inside the house, with a light that he sees moving about. No one has access to the house. The caller runs upstairs with his family. "No weapons of any kind in the house." ends the broadcast. In Texas.

So. How's that working out for you, dude?

- - -
Traffic stop:
Ma'am, I notice that you didn't present your Concealed Handgun License, as is required when you are stopped while armed. Oh, you're not packing tonight? Well why not? You went to all the trouble of a background check, hours and hours of classroom instruction, and qualifying with your pistol. Oh, you haven't shot it in a while, and want more proficiency? Well let me ask you: Do you think that you can simply carry it safely? You do? Well why not do that, and make the consideration, when the bad guy is at Bad Breath Distance, whether you might be able to make effective use of your gat which you haven't shot a lot of, lately? We like to see our good citizens able to defend themselves. Uh huh. Well thank you for your courtesy, ma'am, and please slow down.

- - -
Traffic stop:
That's quite a meat smoker you've got back there, sir. I don't think I've ever seen one bigger. I especially like the fold down step that chains up, and the smokestack that looks like it was cannibalized from HMS Queen Mary. Uh, mind the power lines up the way. 48 hams in there, you say? Man. That's a lot of pig. Haw. You're right, that's a good one. Nope, I've never eaten a smoked donut, but I'm sure they make 'em. Listen, it'd be real good if you could get some lights and reflectors and registration and safety chains on this trailer. Well, yes sir, I realize that it's technically a smoker, but the State Of Texas says that if your smoker rolls on wheels behind your pickup and is pulled by your ball hitch, it's also a trailer. Well, actually, they'd call this a "semi-trailer," because the axles...
...you know what? Never mind. Where are you heading with this thing?
Okay. Why don't I just escort you down there, to keep you from getting rear-ended? Right on.
Wagons ho.
Or smokers. Or semi-trailers. Whatever.

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15 Comments:

At Saturday, April 19, 2008 3:33:00 AM, Blogger kvegas911 said...

"smoked donut"......LOL you kill me

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 4:14:00 AM, Anonymous bob@thenest said...

Matt, I sure do need a shot of you periodically to counteract all the crap that seems to be going on with law enforcement folks forgetting which side of the law they are on. Please do keep posting these -- they are the antidote for my growing cynicism.

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 7:28:00 AM, Anonymous ajdshootist said...

Sorry for this but i could not resist it "Ma'am stop flirting with me but i got to ask are those a pair of 38s or 44s your packing"

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 11:43:00 AM, Blogger Old NFO said...

I have this mental image of a BIG smoker with twin smokestacks going down the road like a steamship... sigh... how many Hams? 42???

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 11:51:00 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Y'know, Matt, I can hear in my mind the radio traffic after that smoker has an accident.

"Yeah, operator! Get fire, EMS and the Sheriff's Dept. search team out here! Call the National Guard while you're at it! There's 48 major body parts layin' all over the road an' the rest of the bodies are missing!"

:-)

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 12:43:00 PM, Blogger BobG said...

"The only reason I was glancing down your camisole was, uh, to check for, uh, weapons. And I'm not generally one to write for a headlight out, anyhow."

Which "headlight", the one on the left, or the one on the right? And did she tuck it back in?

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 1:56:00 PM, Blogger Matt G said...

I knew-- I just knew, as I typed that-- that I was delivering a straight line for somebody's dirty mind.

And she really did have an illuminating device that was inoperative. The driver's side one.

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 3:03:00 PM, Blogger Sabra said...

You must've been the first person in a long time to have looked down her camisole if she took it personally.

And: Mmm, smoked donut...

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 5:59:00 PM, Blogger Mikael said...

"No weapons of any kind in the house."

I'm not going to argue with that, since the caller seemed to think so... after all the best weapon you have is your mind, and if you really think yourself without weapons... Nevermind about those kitchen knives eh.

 
At Saturday, April 19, 2008 6:31:00 PM, Blogger Rabbit said...

...who says they're NOT weapons?

Can't prove it by me. I've been ambushed plenty of times back when I was young and unaware.

Regards,
Rabbit.

 
At Sunday, April 20, 2008 9:23:00 AM, Blogger GUYK said...

BAWAHAHAHAHAHA

 
At Sunday, April 20, 2008 1:53:00 PM, Blogger BobG said...

"I knew-- I just knew, as I typed that-- that I was delivering a straight line for somebody's dirty mind."

When someone waves a target, it's hard not to take a shot...

 
At Monday, April 21, 2008 11:38:00 AM, Blogger Matt G said...

Of course you're right, Mikeal-- if a guy believes he is unarmed, he most certainly is.

 
At Tuesday, April 22, 2008 11:03:00 PM, Blogger KD5NRH said...

Mikael; I was wondering myself just what they cut their food with...or drive nails with...or poke the fireplace with...or...

I have guns partly so I won't have to go wait for my kitchen knives, jack plane, or hyperactive cat to come back from the evidence locker.

I'd have to ask the dispatcher whether she means total weapons count, or just the number I can acquire and use in the next half-second or so.

 
At Wednesday, April 23, 2008 1:08:00 AM, Blogger kbarrett said...

I thought not having a firearm in Texas was at least a misdemeanor?

 

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