Running late. (Goosed)
I was running late to leave for work. (As usual.)
I pressed my uniform and attached collar brass, name tag, and badge. Filled my pockets with the crap that I carry. Put on the UnderArmor, vest, BUG, uniform, and boots, and put on the 20 lb duty belt. I started to go, and realized-- aw crud-- I hadn't shaved yet. I had already run hot water in the basin in the bathroom, and had a can of shaving cream floating in it to get it hot. I hustled into the bathroom for a quick scrape of the old whiskers.
The Wife was in there.
When I was younger, I didn't expect that I would be so cavalier about going into the bathroom when my spouse was peeing. After all-- this is the sole person that I am intimate with. I'm not supposed to know what goes on it there. But we've been married nine years, and things change. I had to get to work, and I was 90 seconds away from a smooth face. And she knew I'd be shaving in there-- that's why the door was open. I passed her, and lathered up, and began shaving. I leaned into the mirror to check out the progress on my face as I shaved. My wife, no longer involved in her previous diversions, saw An Opportunity; she goosed me.
But this was not a minor, slight pinch type goose-- oh, no. It was much, much more personal. It, um, involved more of, um, a poking motion. And, um, was sort of targeted. Think Mr. Smith Goes To Prostate Exam, but for the interference of some midnight blue gabardine and the best cotton put out by Fruit Of The Loom. Even in the best of times, I certainly would have felt-- you know-- violated.
Thank Gawd the children were at their grandmother's. I hate to think of them hearing their father scream like a woman. (Which, of course, is exactly why my spouse does such things.)
"HeHe... I'd get tired of doing that to you if you didn't make that noise when I did it," she snickered.
"Well, you've never gotten me like that before, thank you very much, and do you not see that I'm shaving?!?"
"With a safety razor." I could see her smirk in the mirror.
"Well, thank goodness! If I'd been using a straight razor, do you realize that this uniform might well have made you guilty of attempted Capital Murder?!?"
"But you weren't." Smiling sweetly.
"Still, you shouldn't do such things while I'm in uniform. It demeans the badge."
Rolling her eyes. "Oh. So it'd be okay when..."
"Wait. No. Just... don't do that! Please!!"
"You are so tightly wound. Hehehe!"
I escaped out the front door before the obvious direction of her ridicule could be followed.