Posted in haste.

Among those things not my fault:

That:

--The girl you met at the bar who gave you a ride to her house ditched you, afoot and drunk.

--Your wife, who is unlicensed, has no driver's license, yet you let her drive your car home because you got drunk at the party. (That's two citations, folks.)

--Your buddy offered you a job at 3:00AM, after you had tied one on. He then gave you a couple of shots as a "hair of the dog" before you went to work. At a construction site. At 4:00AM.

--The three dogs that YOU bought, and which YOU brought into a housing development community (read: suburbia), and which YOU refuse to train at all, bark raucously at every little bunny and night jogger and low-flying jet that passes by after midnight, causing complaints by your neighbors. Legitimate complaints.

--Your dog keeps jumping or digging under your fence, and getting out.

--You don't like that we read to you, as to a child, the Americans With Disabilities rights notification at the jail during book-in, even though you could read it yourself, you say.

--You find the handcuffs uncomfortable, despite the fact that I have loosened them twice, and carefully double-locked them each time.

--You find that the back seat cage in a patrol car is cramped and uncomfortable.

--You don't believe that there was any reason to being pulled over because you were doing nothing wrong, and this is harassment... even though you have NO taillights, and are driving a black car at night.

--Every cop you've every met (and there have been a lot of them) was "dirty," and you don't like any of us.

--My race doesn't match yours, and you're willing to bet that was the reason I pulled you over. At night. At 100mph closing speed.

--The law states that you shall perform value X, and you displayed behavior of value (n - X).