Better And Better

If you don't draw yours, I won't draw mine. A police officer, working in the small town that he lives in, focusing on family and shooting and coffee, and occasionally putting some people in jail.

Monday, August 24, 2009

To a guy I just met the other night:

Now, I realize that I'm just a front for the Nanny Government, but will you take some quick advice?

No matter how new your vehicle is, it will make a spark when you fire it up. Gasoline, diesel, electric-- all spark when you turn the key and go. If you can't understand this, allow me to explain sometime how a starter motor works.

I understand that it's your plan to sneak around the cops who have blocked off the city block, to go drive off in your new pickup.
Which is parked 12 feet from the high pressure natural gas meter new hole in the ground emitting copious amounts of methane at high speed.
And which is also parked 14 feet from a pair of gasoline pumps.
Which are about 20 feet from a huge locked rack of propane canisters.

Now, you're a pretty good-sized ol' boy, and I can tell by the cut of your jib and the cut of your jaw, and by the way that you're reaching for your car keys, that you realize that we're all just a bunch of namby-pamby sissy boys who won't do what needs doing, which in your mind right now is to fire up your pickup and ride off into the sunset like John Wayne woulda done. ('Cept of course that the Duke wouldn't have driven a rice-burner.) You, sir, are a Man Of Action.

But I need to point some things out.

First, that gas leak is a few feet from some people's residence.
Second, I've told you not to go over to your pickup.
Thirdly, that guy behind you? My partner? He's not pulling out his Taser. Tasers spark, too. He's reaching for his expandable baton.

This lesson could get painful. Wouldn't you rather just cuss me from the other side of the barricades?


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At Monday, August 24, 2009 8:41:00 AM, Blogger J.R.Shirley said...

Whack. Whack. Whack-whack-whack. Stupidity should hurt, and not just others.

At Monday, August 24, 2009 10:24:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You big meanie. You could have just let him learn.

At Monday, August 24, 2009 12:06:00 PM, Blogger Rabbit said...

Growing up in the oilpatch, I've seen what happens when a vehicle drives through a draw where methane/natural gas has collected.

Fortunately, the one survivor of the four in the car only lived a couple of hours. There wasn't enough left of the Impala they were in to weight a trotline.

A hickory shampoo or its modern equivalent would be entirely justified. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.


At Monday, August 24, 2009 12:55:00 PM, Blogger John B said...

some of the more ignoble chapters of my personal history have been writ cause of someone trying to kill me with their stupidity.

John! you can stop hitting him now!


I think you put him in a coma or worse. I don't think he'll touch your detonator ever again.

I still think I oughta lop off his hands....

Outside of traffic, I'm usually quite calm. It takes towering stupidity to scare me.....

At Monday, August 24, 2009 5:48:00 PM, Blogger Snigglefrits said...


I've never heard you speak, but based on your look, I'd almost pay to hear you utter that phrase. :D

Like John, I think stupidity should hurt- some folks more than others.

At Tuesday, August 25, 2009 5:59:00 AM, Blogger The Lily said...

Had other people and property not been potentially affected by his utter stupidity, my vote would have been for him to be a recipient of one of this year's Darwin Awards.

At Tuesday, August 25, 2009 2:41:00 PM, Blogger Don said...


But, srsly, don't try to blow folks up, won't be no trouble. It's not really that complicated.

At Wednesday, August 26, 2009 1:09:00 PM, Blogger Kristophr said...

You're such a Statist tool...

I'm sure the wookie-suiters all hate you for interfering with their deity-given right to asplode themselves.

At Wednesday, August 26, 2009 4:40:00 PM, Blogger Assrot said...

You should have taken his keys and made him push the truck while pounding sand up his ass with your baton.

A nice "American Caning" right in front of God and everybody.

I guess some idiot would have filmed you and put it on YouTube though.

Remind me again why anyone would want to be a cop?

Good luck. Be safe Matt.


At Wednesday, August 26, 2009 11:35:00 PM, Blogger Old NFO said...

Geez... I REALLY can't believe somebody from Texas is that stoopid... Where is he from, Chicago???

At Thursday, August 27, 2009 2:39:00 AM, Blogger Matt G said...

Stoopid happens all over, NFO. I'd probably be looking elsewhere for a job if we didnt' have it here. :)

At Thursday, August 27, 2009 10:30:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As you know so well, you can't fix stupid....

At Saturday, August 29, 2009 6:33:00 PM, Blogger TOTWTYTR said...

Stupid people = Job security


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